SKUSH DESIGNS

“I’m thirsty,” I think to myself as I sit at the dining table, my laptop open, working on my next digital files for Etsy.

Let me just finish this one last file, I tell myself, then I’ll get some water. Suddenly, I’m startled when my one-year-old wraps her tiny arms around my legs, standing beside the table. “Mumma,” she says, holding a toy and clearly asking me to play.

“Oh, you want to play, Raya?” I say gently. “Mumma just needs to finish this one last file, and then we’ll play, okay?”

She stares at me—half confused, half wondering why I’m not picking her up.

And just like that, mom guilt kicks in.

I abandon my work, scoop her up, shower her with hugs and kisses, and then—against my better judgment—turn on the TV so she’ll stay occupied.

As I walk back to the dining table, guilt strikes again. Screen time? Just so I can work? Screen time is bad, I scold myself.

I shut my laptop. I close the books spread across the table—my novel, my coloring book (my stress relief), my notebook, and my cookbook What Mummy Makes for my picky toddler. “I’m thirsty,” I realize again.

How long has it been since I first thought that? I tidy the table and head to the kitchen for water. The moment Raya sees me, in the kitchen, she comes running, hugs my legs, and looks up at me—literally.

“Nom-nom,” she says.

“Oh, you’re hungry?” I ask. The TV continues playing in the background, and the guilt hums again.“Okay, baby. Let me make you something.”

No time for the cookbook today—toddlers have zero patience. I grab a pot, fill it with water, take out two eggs, and put them on the stove to boil. As I return the egg carton to the fridge, my eyes catch the water filter.

I’m thirsty.

Let me put pasta to boil too, I decide, then I’ll finally drink water.

I reach for a saucepan—and realize the sink is full of dirty dishes.

Let me load the dishwasher first.

But of course, the dishwasher is full of clean dishes.So I bend down to unload it. Raya runs in again, reaches into the open dishwasher, and grabs a knife. “NO, Raya! NO!” I shout, quickly taking it from her. I rush her back to the sofa and turn on something even more engaging on TV—something that will really hold her attention.I know. High-stimulation screen time is bad. But I need five minutes to make the kitchen safe.

I unload the dishwasher, reload it with dirty dishes, and finally close the door. The sink looks clean at last. I glance at Raya—safe, watching TV.

Screen time is bad, a voice echoes in my head. The eggs and pasta are boiling now.

Okay. Now I’ll drink water.I pick up my glass and start filling it. The sound of running water summons Gabru—my cat. His treats live on top of the fridge, and he firmly believes that anyone near the fridge equals treats.

Even when the treats are over, he still shows up, hopeful. Often when out of treats, I’ve tried explaining—new treats are on the way, ordered online—but obviously, he doesn’t understand logistics. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks the fridge produces his treats.He looks at me with those big, innocent eyes. Full Puss in Boots mode. “Let me drink water first, Gabru,” I tell him as the glass fills painfully slowly.

Did glasses always take this long to fill? I wonder. What if there was a button that filled the glass instantly in one click? Or even better what if the water would go directly into your mouth just by pressing the button?” 

I glance around—Raya isn’t pulling down the artificial tree, Good.

She’s still watching TV. Guilt again.

I check the stove—the egg water is about to spill.

“Oh shucks!”

I place the filled glass of water, on the counter and rush to turn off the stove just in time. Disaster averted.I turn back. Gabru is still there. Still waiting.

Cat-mom guilt hits.

He was my first baby. I’d always dreamed of having a cat. I wasn’t allowed one as a child, couldn’t afford one as a teenager, and didn’t have a stable home in my twenties. I’d always imagined a white Persian cat—so beautiful and exotic. Gabru wasn’t a Persian but a mix of Siamese and Persian cat. He is a Himalayan..

Before Raya, Gabru was our whole world. We pampered him endlessly. And now, for the past year, he must feel so left out.

Lost in thought, I finally take my first sip of water.

Ahh. Water. Finally.

I never realized drinking water in peace was a luxury—until I became a mom.

Why do women want to become mothers so badly, We lose sleep, time, space, and our bodies. And yet the world criticizes women when they choose themselves over motherhood.

I remember watching cute baby videos in college—babies laughing, cuddling, dancing with their parents. I imagined that life for myself. Marriage. A baby. A home full of love and laughter.

No one talks about the chaos.

The exhaustion.

The sleepless nights.

The postpartum depression.

People only post the happy parts.

That’s maybe because, people only like seeing the happy parts I suppose..?

Half my glass is gone gulped down my throat, when I look down—Gabru is still waiting.

I leave my glass on the counter again, open a treat, and walk him to his cat tree. As he happily licks it, my husband walks in—home after a long day at work—

I take a deep breath, feeling so relieved as he walks through the door! I think to myself, “He’s finally home, and now I can finally get some time off!” But it would be so selfish of me to immediately give him work with our toddler the moment he walks in! Let him freshen up, I think, as I patiently wait for him to unpack and relax for a bit! My toddler’s face lights up! “Daddda Daddddaa!” she says, looking at me, as if she’s trying to tell the whole sentence like, “Mom, look! Daddy’s home,” but she can’t talk yet, but her “daddddaa” is filled with everything from excitement and love to joy! She and I both walk towards him as I give him a hug, and she scooches in, signaling him to lift her up! He is so excited! “Baby girl!” he says! “Hieee!” he says as he lifts her up! A big smile on his face and excitement in his eyes—with enthusiasm! How does he do it? I think! How can he leave the house while I and Raya are still asleep and come back after 9 hours of working and still show this energy for his child and me? Where does he get it from? Why can’t I be this excited all the time? Happy, fun-loving, go-all-the-time? Lost in thought, I take a sigh of relief, well! He is finally home! Now I can take a hot shower! Just the thought of a hot shower feels so comforting right now! I go keep the tea kettle on for boiling and making tea for us! It was our daily ritual! A hot cup of tea after he was back home from work. It felt soothing and refreshing!

After he’s freshened up, and we have our tea nestled cozily.. I wrap my feet under his legs to feel warm and we sip our chai talking about our day..!

Our toddler starts jumping in excitement bcuz daddy is home! Suddenly Gabru joins her and starts running around her, she laughs and tries to hug him, but he flaps his bushy tail at her and she’s instantly tickled and she giggles, and it’s so funny this whole scenario that me and my husband both cracked up laughing.

After a bit more chitchatting and laughing around, somehow I feel more energetic! Looking at my husband and my daughter play with my cat I feel blessed! Thankful! In my heart I thank the almighty, for what I have and knowing how precious it is! My family, my purpose right now.. then I just smiled looking at floor and told my husband, “I’m going for a quick shower?” He says okay, and he goes on to play with Raya and Gabru and I go for my long-awaited relaxing shower!

Soon it’s bedtime, we’re done with dinner, we do our nighttime routine. Changing our baby in to her night-dress and then showing her the mirror, oh how toddlers love watching themselves in the mirror! She starts dancing looking at herself in the mirror, and she laughs at the silliest things, we laugh looking at her laugh! We’re all exhausted! But somewhere in that  chaos I remembered how I used to watch cute baby videos back when I was in college—babies laughing, cuddling, dancing with their parents and that I imagined that life for myself! A happy Marriage! A baby! A home full of love and laughter! 

I find happiness in the chaos of it all.. 💕